Asian Kryptonite

An Asian lady wearing a pair of black thick-rimmed glasses and a black business suit to match entered Mr. Windham’s office. She let out a huge sigh with a stressed look on her face, “Excuse me sir but he’s not talking.” Mr. Windham smirked and said, “Arthur this is Ms. Kim, she is our principal in training.” She looked at me with a slight smile and nodded her head to say hello.

Ms. Kim was very plain looking very little make up, a baggy dress suit, but pretty cute I thought. Then again I had a thing for Asian girls. They were little Arthur’s kryptonite. Often times I’d give Asian girls the benefit of the doubt when giving them the physical once over. You know what I mean, checking them out head to toe to see if they have…class and manners.

Ms. Kim was no exception to the benefit of the doubt rule. All she needed was a skirt not made for an Orthodox Jew and a guest spot on a show called Pimp My Face, then we’re talking dream girl!

Mr. Windham’s chuckle brought me out of my near boner state. “Ms. Kim is fortunate enough to be placed under my wing so to speak, observing the methods of nurturing, guidance and in this particular instance discipline. Ah, Ms. Kim you still got a lot to learn, remember what I told you with great power comes great responsibility.” Mr. Windham must’ve been unaware that Ms. Kim and I were up on our pop culture as we simultaneously had puzzled looks on our faces, thinking that he just verbally plagiarized a line from a Toby Maguire movie. You know the one where he's swinging around like a male Olympic gymnast in his red pajamas, which reminds me Kirsten Dunst, nice cans!

Speaking of nice cans Mr. Windham picked up the phone, “Mrs. Thundertop could you please bring me Jared Parson’s file…thank you? Mr. Windham gave me a look filled with cockiness and spoke, “Well Arthur no better way for a new teacher to learn new methods than to observe them first hand. Shall we? It will be fun!” He wasn’t lying!

It Couldn’t Be This Easy?

Mr. Windham guided me into his office that was cluttered with shelves and shelves of books. He quickly filed me in and shut the door discretely behind him as if he were up to something. I was a little spooked by his odd behavior. I quickly got his attention, “I brought a copy of my resume.” Mr. Windham interrupted me right away, “That won’t be necessary. Mr. Schmagegee, Arthur if you don’t mind me asking, you aren’t working for your father?” I sighed heavily on the inside, but gave him the Mickey Mouse answer, “No sir I am trying to find my own way. I actually enjoy the company of children and thought this would be a great opportunity for me to gain experience working directly with them.” I could picture my brother Earl in my head listening to me spit out these bullshit lines as he giggles and nods in disapproval.

“Well between you and me I couldn’t turn down the son of Mr. Schmagegee. (That’s what I was hoping!) Pending a background check I would love to offer you the position.” Mr. Windham looked me square in the face with a firmly held smile that made me feel a little awkward. I was ready to answer Mr. Windham with a jovial, “Great where do I sign!” It couldn’t be this easy could it?

I started feeling guilty for my deception. My guilty conscious lasted for about 5 minutes. I had a plan and I wasn’t going to let no Coming to America Prince Akeem moment ruin it as I fooled these silly Americans into thinking I was some poor African from the jungle. No one needed to know my intentions or how I got the job, so what if I was the heir to throne of Lumumba (I’m confusing myself here).

Suddenly a lady popped into the office letting out a large sigh. What happened next was some funny shit, and gave me a good idea for what I was in for!